As we continue our musing through the 10 keys for Happier living, as outlined by Action for Happiness, we come to the penultimate:
Acceptance.
Once again, I am struck by the timing of this. Here in Scotland, as I mentioned last week, Covid-19 restrictions are easing and there are glimmers of hope for more normal ways of living and connecting opening up again.
Unless you live in Glasgow or Moray, where tighter restrictions remain in force.
Ho hum.
And so learning to accept these (necessary but frustrating) limitations on our lives is a bit of a challenging one this week.
Learning to accept what IS rather than railing against what ISN’T.
Of course, in present circumstances I am talking about learning to accept each day as it comes just now, and not putting too much store by what we want to do when restrictions ease.
But Covid or not, there is so much here about accepting ourselves.
How often do we play what I call The Comparisons Game?
“If only I was as clever/arty/thin/attractive/generous/confident as ………..”
“I will be happier about myself when …………. “
“If only I was less short tempered/shy/outspoken/ugly/…….”
“I wish I was more like……..”
This is exhausting, and keeps our focus on what we are not and can’t do, rather than enjoying what we are, and have, and can do.
It is a sure and guaranteed way to be unhappy, and to allow much of life to pass us by as we live in a boggy mire of self doubt and self criticism, regret and recrimination.
We have all done this, we have all lived like this. But the great thing is, we don’t have to! We have choice, and we can choose to respond to ourselves differently.
This is not about sweeping under the carpet the mistakes we’ve made, or ignoring what we are not good at. But it is about acknowledging and enjoying what we are good at – our strengths, skills, personality traits – and taking responsibility for the downsides of who we are, what might be called our weaknesses. Not beating ourselves up about them, but seeing them for what they are, and choosing to change our response to something more positive and life affirming.
Learning to accept is seeing each day as a fresh start, when we can choose to be the best version of ourselves and make decisions that keep us moving towards that person.
Acceptance is choosing to feel ok about ourselves even when we have got it wrong: when we have made a mistake, it is giving ourselves grace to differentiate between “I have failed” and “I am a failure”. And then facing up to mistakes, learning from them and choosing to respond differently next time – and then letting it go.
Notice your own self talk when you have made a mistake or believe you have screwed up.
Would you say to a friend what you have just said to yourself?
Consider this quote from an ancient Moslem leader:
When thinking about life remember this: no amount of guilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future.”
How we do this is key, and not something we learn over night. But an important thing that Covid has taught us is about the importance of stopping to reflect on life and not take it for granted. To stop and reflect so that we might learn and make positive changes.
Some simple tools to help in learning to accept:
- dealing with your past, reconciling yourself to it and learning all you can from it can enable you to live more humbly and wisely and freely in the present
- identifying what it is you are anxious about, whether you can take steps to minimise the situation or whether it is out of your control can help bring a more objective perspective to the future
- learning what you do and don’t have responsibility for and when to let go
One final thought. As we consider the past and future, there is of course the bit in the middle: the present. – which is TODAY. And learning to accept is about living in TODAY and not in regret for the past or fear for the future. What enables us to do that more freely?
Gratitude
So this week, perhaps we can choose
to value and cherish those around us today…..
to recognise what we have got…..
to embrace what we can do…..
to celebrate what we have learned and gained from our past…….
to find things to be thankful for even in the midst of uncertainty.
Learning to accept is about living in the freedom of who we ARE NOW whilst always seeking to grow. Living free of guilt for the past and anxiety for the future -perhaps the key is thankfulness in the present?